Corey Taylor of Slipknot and Stone Sour Shares Review of "V/H/S"on ARTISTdirect.com
Tue, 02 Oct 2012 12:42:05
Corey Taylor of Slipknot and Stone Sour remains one of the greatest frontmen of all-time. We love him here at ARTISTdirect.com, and we can't wait for Stone Sour's House of Gold and Bones Pt. 1 to drop on October 22, 2012. It's the most epic thing you'll hear all year and a landmark for modern hard rock, period.
However, Mr. Taylor is also a hell of a writer! He released his New York Times best-selling tome, Seven Deadly Sins, last year and House of Gold and Bones is accompanied by a concept he penned.
Given his talents as a scribe, ARTISTdirect.com gave him a challenge. Magnet Pictures' V/H/S hits select theaters on October 5, 2012, and the buzz has been mounting—especially since it's release on-demand a few weeks back. Corey's a big horror fan, so editor in chief Rick Florino had him screen the film and review it…
Here's his essay on V/H/S exclusively on ARTISTdirect.com…
By Corey Taylor
I'm a horror fan- a serious one. So much so that when I heard about Magnet Pictures’ recent effort, V/H/S, I was initially excited. It has been a while since a movie REALLY scared me, and the red band trailer alone gave me hope. I am not a huge fan of the "make you motion sick" movies, but this felt like an intriguing blend of The Blair Witch Project and Creepshow. The premise centers on some delinquents who break into an old house in order to steal a seemingly valuable VHS tape. After finding the tape, they each take turns watching bits of it, letting the audience in on 5 stories wrapped in blasts of white noise lines and shoddy audio.
So it showed a bit of promise. Unfortunately, the actual movie broke that promise into tiny shitty pieces.
From the moment this painful collage of "found footage" nonsense starts, three things happen. 1) You get a massive headache. 2) You feel nauseous to the point of severity. 3) You become very aware that if you are made to watch another second of this thing, you could easily stab a rodeo clown in the neck with a soupspoon… and that's during the moments you might actually be interested in what's happening on the screen. Some of the reviews I read had people puking and freaking out make sense now; that's because the first 30 minutes of this offensive mess assaults you with so much motion sickness and annoying stereotypes that had I been in a theater, I'd have left. Being at home with my finger on the remote control, I was awfully tempted to stop it. But I could not have reviewed it righteously had I given up. So I pressed on.
The following is a list of things that were good and bad about the film, like a point/counterpoint way to look at it.
The premises for the last 4 stories were unique (the first one with the "I Like You" girl was SHIT- sorry if you wrote it). Good: there was a glimmer of making me think. Bad: the directors let these unknown actors/actresses improv their way through ridiculous ideas, making fresh outlines feel forced, canned and uninspired. This was a lesson in free-form gone wrong; without a cohesive script, there was no way to make it feel authentic. Instead you are left with excited thespians desperate to impress but inevitably making themselves sound like assholes.
Good: the special effects (when you can fucking see them amongst the manic swings of the camera) are actually quite cool. The one in the forest with the maniac held my interest because at first I thought said maniac was wearing a suit that did a number on magnetic tape. I really wanted one of those suits. The last story with the house and the girl was cool in that "ultimate haunted house" sense. Bad: the frantic movement of the camera ruins ALL the effort that was put into actually making the effects work in the first place. I have no idea if I missed any cool effects because the cameras never stay on one shot longer than the lifespan of a gnat.
Good: I laughed 5 times during the film. Whether the filmmakers were hoping for that result I will never know. But I genuinely laughed aloud 5 times. Bad: the actors hired make me not give a fuck whether these fucks live or die. You can blame the script-less environment, but I just think these people were wrong for the ideas the directors wanted to realize. Even the people you are meant to want to die horribly are gross stereotypes who you’ve seen die in several more brutal ways in several better movies, so by the time you get to these mucky puppets, you yawn and register the emotional equivalent of a taco burp.
Here’s an overall BAD: there is no point to any of it. You never find out who wants this tape so badly or why he would pay that much money for it. You never know why these idiots would sit down next to a corpse and languidly watch a technology that hasn't been relevant for YEARS. But the strangest dichotomy of them all is that when you’re not busy trying to figure out plot holes in the stories, you're figuring out what's going to happen next all TOO easily.
In the end, I was more pissed than disappointed. I couldn't have cared less. V/H/S turned out to be one of those movies where the trailer was better than the movie- more to the point, it feels like a movie that was made just so they could have a cool trailer and little else. That is a shame… this movie showed such promise, but ends up showing us what happens when you chase trends instead of setting them.
Did you see the film? What were your thoughts?
Watch the trailer below!
See our review of "Gone Sovereign/Absolute Zero" here!
See "Five Reasons We Can't Wait for House of Gold and Bones Parts 1 & 2?" here!