Feature: Lady Gaga Versus Jason Voorhees
Tue, 16 Feb 2010 15:34:41
So, I've been thinking about it a lot, and Lady Gaga scares the hell out of me!
There's just something very creepy and inhuman about her. At a recent Los Angeles show, she kept referring to the crowd of primarily teen girls as "My little monsters," and her banter bounced from sex discussion to a proclamation of "enjoying a big dose of bullshit"—not too mention the gaudy costume changes every other song and ominous three-minute voiceover speeches when there wasn't any music. Yeah, she's kind of got the Marilyn Manson thing going on, but even on his legendary Antichrist Superstar tour, Manson wasn't this scary! He's grounded in a rock n' roll tradition of shock and awe, while GaGa is off in outer space somewhere preaching a gospel of gaudiness to "her little monsters"…
Now, given that she's more like a horror movie figure than your average pop star, a curious question arises, who would win in a fight? Lady GaGa or Friday the 13th's Jason Voorhees? Moreover, another more important question comes up, who's scarier?
In terms of the fight, Jason definitely has the height, strength and weight advantage. He's pretty much undead and immortal, so he'd probably kick her ass, unless she got the "little monsters" to maul him or her crazy alien ass came after him in the Millenium Falcon…
Still, she's got him beat in terms of creepiness and here's why…
Reasons Why Lady GaGa is Scarier than Jason Voorhees
1. Physical Appearance
Jason may be disfigured and deformed, but he is courteous enough to wear a nifty hockey mask to hide that creepy visage. GaGa chooses to make herself look like some kind of intergalactic call-girl. She wasn't born that way—at least we hope not. It looks like a Mac factory exploded on her with all of the makeup she has, and there's no accounting for her color choices. Too much latex is never a good thing. Jason was born deformed; the poor little guy can't help it. GaGa chooses that psychotic look. So from one glance, GaGa has our pal Jason beat in terms of creepiness. Round one: Gaga.
Video of Some of Jason's Greatest "Hits"
Video of Jason on Arsenio Hall
2. Effect on Teen Girls
Jason stomps through Camp Crystal lake dismembering and murdering teen girls. However, he does it because they're sleeping around. In fact, he's something of a chastity champion. Yes, it's scary that he's hacking them to bits, but it's not as creepy as what GaGa is doing. She's just stealing teen girls' money and killing any potential propriety or morality they may have had by encouraging them to be "Beautiful, Dirty, Rich" and to "Poke-Her Face." Again, her effect on the youth of America is way worse than Jason's…That's scary…Round two: GaGa.
GaGa's Terrifying "Bad Romance" Video
Now, every classic villain must have some screwed up motive. Jason's mommy was murdered and he was drowned because the neglectful camp counselors were off engaging in sins of the flesh…so now he's a vengeful undead maniac in a hockey mask with a machete…that makes perfect sense. GaGa has no motive for being scary; she just is. When you can't find a reason for something, it's all the more horrific. Jason's mom was dead and he almost drown, homeboy deserves revenge…GaGa is just scaring for the sake of scaring; no sympathy for that…Round three: GaGa.
Lady GaGa on Ellen Scaring the s&*! Out of Housewives Everywhere
So there have been over ten Friday the 13th films and Jason has gone everywhere from Manhattan to Hell, but GaGa has been all over the world scaring people. Plus, her guarantee per night is most likely higher than Jason's. She's on her second proper release, The Fame Monster, and who knows what blood the next album will shed. Be afraid, be very afraid. Round four: GaGa.
We want you to decide though…Leave us comments, who is scarier Jason Voorhees or Lady GaGa???
Check out Rick Florino's new novel Dolor available now for FREE here…