Top Ten Worst Album Covers of 2005
Jan 09, 2006, 06:04 PM by Andy Hermann
A highly subjective list, compiled with a reckless disregard for statistical analysis or public opinion. That's just how we roll, dawg.
To help build suspense, we're gonna count this one down, David Letterman style. Drum roll, please!
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10. CocoRosie
Noah's Ark |
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It's bad enough to put unicorns on your album cover. When you put a child's drawing of unicorns on your cover, and show them humping each other daisy-chain style, you're pretty much just a step or two away from using your own feces for fingerpaint.
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9. Tommy Lee
Tommyland: The Ride |
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You have to look closely to appreciate the badness of this one. Yep, that's a roller coaster track coming out of Tommy Lee's ear, and that appears to be Mr. Toad from The Wind in the Willows beckoning us onward. See, it's all a metaphor for how the inside of Tommy Lee's head is like a big, crazy roller coaster. And you probably thought Tommyland: The Ride referred to something else, didn't you? For shame. The inside of your head is probably like an adult video store.
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8. Billy Idol
The Devil's Playground |
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Dude, where does the leather jacket end and Billy Idol's skin begin? And what's up with the crack house locale he's posing in? Did he spend all his money on hair gel and ab implants?
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7. Limp Bizkit
The Unquestionable Truth, Pt. 1 |
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F*ckin' fascist skeleton motherf*ckers. Look at 'em, marching along like those f*cking hammers in Pink Floyd's The Wall, while that head skeleton dude is all "sieg heil" and sh*t. We should just nuke 'em all back to the f*ckin' stone age.
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6. Ashlee Simpson
I Am Me |
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And what I am is a vaguely Gothy blonde chick with really prominent breasts! Now who's up for some McDonald's?
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5. Black Dice
Broken Ear Record |
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Words fail us.
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4. Shakira
Oral Fixation Vol. 2 |
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You could ponder this one for hours. Shakira as Eve? Fine, we get that. We'll even go with it. Any excuse to get her naked on the cover. But what's up with the baby? Is he a stand-in for Adam, thereby making this cover a sly feminist critique (i.e., "all men are babies")? Or perhaps he's a stand-in for the serpent, and therefore represents the spawn of Satan, grasping lustfully for Shakira's luscious but tastefully concealed, um, apples? Or maybe the whole thing has nothing to do with the Garden of Eden and they just needed an excuse to show Shakira naked. Jesus. A Shakira album is not supposed to require this much thought. Couldn't they just have tattooed the title on her like they did with Laundry Service?
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3. 50 Cent
The Massacre |
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Yup, that 50 Cent sure is one badass dude. Just look at those big shiny muscles, that icy stare, that cross he uses to ward off vampires and music critics. And the gloves. There's something downright creepy about a buff, shirtless dude wearing gloves. But what's up with the Laura Ashley lace pattern in the background? Is he gonna beat the crap out of us or invite us in for tea and crumpets?
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2. Scott Stapp
The Great Divide |
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We're pretty sure that if the phrase "narcissistic dorkwad" were in the dictionary, there'd be a picture of Scott Stapp next to it. The only thing that would've made this album cover better was if they'd made it so you could slide Scott's hand up and down the mic stand, really fast.
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1. R. Kelly
TP.3 Reloaded |
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From his impregnable mountaintop fortress, the Evil Lord Kels gazed down upon the unsuspecting populace. "They mock me now," he thought to himself. "For getting kicked off Jay-Z's tour and doing the bump 'n' grind with 14-year-olds. But soon...soon I shall unleash my 'Trapped in the Closet' saga like a plague of stupidity upon the land. And all shall tremble before me!" Then, laughing maniacally, he whipped out his Little Kels and whizzed on the hapless minions below.
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Top 10 Albums You Probably Don't Own
Nov 16, 2005, 04:42 PM by I Hate Your Album
1. The Replacements - All Shook Down
2. Teenage Fanclub - Songs from Northern Britain
3. Jellyfish - Spilt Milk
4. Jayhawks - Sound of Lies
5. Josh Rouse - Under Cold Blue Stars
6. Whiskeytown - Pneumonia
7. Dinosaur Jr. - Green Mind
8. Matt Pond PA - The Green Fury
9. Superchunk - Come Pick Me Up
10. Uncle Tupelo - March 16-20, 1992
These titles might not be as obscure as the last list...but you don’t own any of these either. It’s really sad how much good music you don’t own. But you knew this already. Fix it.
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Top 10 Albums You Don't Own
Apr 15, 2005, 12:22 PM by I Hate Your Album
1. The Judybats - Down in the Shacks Where the Satellite Dishes Grow
2. The Beautiful South - Quench
3. Poi Dog Pondering - Pomegranate
4. Chris Mills - Every Night Fight For Your Life
5. Small Factory - For If You Cannot Fly
6. Papas Fritas - Helioself
7. Beulah - When Your Heartstrings Break
8. The Pulsars - Pulsars
9. Archer Prewitt - Three
10. Velocity Girl - Simpatico
This is a pretty random list off the top of my head. But you don’t own these and you should. It’s really sad how much good music you don’t know. I guess I’ll have to make this list more often. Stay tuned.
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Top 10 Most Unfortunate Band Names
Apr 07, 2005, 04:04 PM by I Hate Your Album
10. Slaughter
9. Nuclear Assault
8. Napalm Death
7. Circle Jerks
6. Butthole Surfers
5. Ass Ponys
4. Godsmack
3. Puddle of Mudd
2. The Dave Matthews Band
1. Cradle of Filth
I know, I know... there are so many other bad band ones out there. But these have been bothering me and I had to get it off my chest. Feel free to flog back with your own choices and maybe I'll be nice enough to post some of them.
But what about us?! We named our band HOOBASTANK!
You are so right. I apologize. That takes the cake.
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