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Manilow's Music Protects, Irks Australians

As previously reported, Australian officials devised an ingenious method for driving noisy mischief makers out of a park in the middle of an affluent residential neighborhood at night: Pipe in the music of one Mr. Barry Manilow, singer of such gems as "Mandy" and "Looks Like We Made It." While untold masses of people have willingly and enthusiastically subjected themselves to Manilow -- paying money to do so -- he served as the final straw for a lot of Australian hooligans (or "hoons," in the local terminology), who have begun relocating to quieter neighborhoods.

"Barry's our secret weapon," said Rockdale Deputy Mayor Bill Saravinovski. The suburb officials keep Barry, along with artists like Doris Day, rocking on the speakers from 9 p.m. to midnight on the weekends. And, yes, it seems to be working. Most nights, the hoons are nowhere to be found.

Good news, right? Not so fast, say some Rockdale residents. "I don't know how I will cope," said local Moya Dunn, just begging for a "Copacabana" joke. "I just can't sleep when it's on, and to think there's going to be another six months of this."

Saravinovski sympathizes, admitting that he's personally more partial to ABBA and Celine Dion. "I can't swallow some of the tracks like 'Mandy,'" he admitted.

Manilow isn't too proud about his new role as a crimefighter, and imagines an alternate reality in which the plan backfires. "Have they thought that these hoodlums might like my music?" he asked. "What if some of them began to sing along to 'Can't Smile Without You'? Or lit candles when 'I Write the Songs' played? Or, heaven forbid, danced around to the infectious beat of 'Copacabana'? What if this actually attracts more hoodlums? What if it puts smiles on their faces?"

--The ARTISTdirect Staff
07.18.06